


Things We Try To Forget (But Never Really Can)

by daisysquake



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fitzdaisy angst, Other, Psychological Trauma, Trauma, basically just showing the emotional trauma of s5b for daisy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:34:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26411974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisysquake/pseuds/daisysquake
Summary: She had a lot of scars. Just one of the many bonuses of being a shield agent. Most of the time they didn’t bother her, usually reminding her of how strong she is and how much she’s survived. This one however, she despised even though it was one of the smallest, in her eyes it was by far the worst.
Relationships: Jemma Simmons & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Leo Fitz & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson & Skye | Daisy Johnson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 43





	Things We Try To Forget (But Never Really Can)

**Author's Note:**

> this is not meant to paint fitz as a bad person, this is just trying to show how daisy probably would have felt at the time!!!! this is kind of shitty i’m sorry :(

After finding out Daisy was supposed to destroy that planet she was terrified, she was an agent of SHIELD, she was supposed to be a hero. And yet she was going to cause the deaths of billions of people, by destroying the planet.

It was something she was used to, constantly being scared of her own powers. 

From the minute she found out she was an inhuman she had lived with an overwhelming, all consuming, unrelenting amount of worry, it hung on her shoulders heavily. Constantly weighting her down. She was always concerned about the safety of everyone around her. Convinced everything she touched ended up being destroyed. That her powers would never amount to anything good.

When she first went through terrigenesis, all she wanted was to reverse the changes that she had gone through, unable to see any good in the situation. Only aware of one horrifying truth. That she was a danger to herself and everyone around her.

Although through time she learned to control her powers, there was always that worry, a voice in her head that told her she would end up hurting someone she cared about, or worse.

Those dark thoughts that she tried to tell herself would never happen came true once she fell under the manipulation of Hive. Daisy ended up hurting too many of her closest friends. And once she finally escaped Hive’s mind control all she was left with was the deafening feeling of guilt. Unable to forgive herself she was left to drown in her own self-hatred. 

And drown she did.

Constantly asking herself how could she hurt her friends? The only people who cared about her and didn’t see her as a threat to be wiped out.

She didn’t want their forgiveness, much less their pity. She deserved to be hated, locked up away from everyone else so that she could never hurt anyone again. At least she thought she did.

But the guilt she felt the moment she found out that she was the cause of Earth’s demise wrecked her more than anything else, as it slowly began eating away at her.

Which is why when Deke sold her out to Kaisius who ended up shoving an inhibitor in the side of her neck. Stopping her from using her powers. It managed to make her feel somewhat relieved.

Although she most likely needed her powers to help get her friends back and was currently lined up to be sold into slavery, the relief that she couldn’t do anymore damage when she escaped was slightly comforting.

However, the inhibitor wasn’t enough to make her worries disappear, they needed to change the future, stop the world from being quaked apart. And Daisy couldn’t see how her going back would help, seeing as her staying in the future would guarantee Earth’s survival.

Coulson, on the other hand, couldn’t have disagreed more. He needed her to come back with them, she was just too important. So he took matters into his own hands, knocking her out unconscious, ensuring her return back to the present.

That decision made Daisy mad, frustrated that Coulson couldn’t see her point of view or respect her decision. But she reminded herself that she still had the inhibitor in, which rendered her powers useless. No powers, no quaking the world apart became her motto. She would keep repeating it to herself, when the weight of the world became too much to handle.

Until even that safety net, that she clung onto with both hands, her entire being relying completely on it in order to remain sane vanished. As Fitz, someone she trusted, someone she considered one of her closest and most trusted friends strapped her to a table and pulled it out of her. Against her will, against all the heart breaking pleads.

Daisy begged him not to. But he did it anyway.

Not caring about how she was destined to destroy the world. Or the fact that pulling out the inhibitor could very easily paralyse Daisy. He took it out.

Fitz didn’t just take out her inhibitor, he took out her coping mechanism. That small little object was the only thing stopping her from turning into people she sought out to stop. 

And all Daisy wanted to do was shout and scream at him and ask how on Earth he could do something like that. Something so emotionally and physically damaging, why he would do something that he knew would hurt her to no end.

But instead she focused on helping the team because deep down he was still her friend, and not on the fact that Fitz had just armed Daisy with the one thing she didn’t want. The power to wipe out an entire planet.

The mark that was left by the inhibitor being removed was insignificant in comparison to other scars she had received. Yet it was by far the worst.

When Jemma had asked to take a look at it so that she could help clean it Daisy had snapped at her. Refusing to let anyone go near it, let alone touch it. In all honesty, it disgusted Daisy, looking at it herself made her sick to her stomach. So she didn’t look, she tried everything she could to ignore it. 

But even when she wasn’t looking at it, she could always feel it there. Even when the scarred skin went white and healed to the best of its ability. Daisy could still feel it burning into her skin, serving as a permanent reminder of everything she wanted to forget. It was as if it was screaming at her, persistently telling her how she was a monster.

After the inhibitor came out, the blood that had seeped out of the wound stuck her hair onto the wound, making it feel uncomfortable, on top of the horrific pain that she was already in. And when she finally showered, the water that fell down onto her neck just made it burn, the pain becoming even worse along with her anxieties.

Her entire body fell to the floor of shower, she sat there for what must have been hours, not moving what so ever. Staying perfectly still as she relived what she would consider the worst experience of life, over and over again.

Daisy curled up as she shook in pure fear. There was nothing that could distract her from her deathly thoughts. 

Everyone in S.H.I.E.L.D was amazed at how strong Daisy had continually been. For a girl who had been through what others would deem cruel and unfair she managed to come out stronger. Or she just got better at hiding it. Her pain that is.

There was always a threat that her team needed to face, lives that needed to be saved. She ended up feeling like if she took any time to herself it would be selfish. Unable to talk to anyone about her problems without feeling like she was being a burden. So she kept everything to herself.

Everything being compressed down in an ineffective way of trying to forget. But there was just too much. Too many things she wanted to forget, too much pain to ignore. 

And so she finally let go. Incapable of holding on any longer. She finally fell to pieces. 

Her body wracked with sobs, tears flowing down her cheeks. The salty liquid fell onto her legs, mixing in with the hot water that was already coming out of the shower.

She cried. Until there she was, with nothing left in her. 

Finally allowing herself to be vulnerable.

Grudgingly, she moved out of the shower, rubbing the steam off the mirror. Her already red-rimmed and puffy eyes were now dull and life lifeless. Her complexion now significantly paler than usual, making her look almost ghost like. Daisy couldn’t recognise the person staring back at her. The girl in the mirror looked broken, hopeless, defeated. Deep down, Daisy knew that she was.

Her powers were supposed to make her stronger, they were supposed to be a gift.

To Daisy, they were nothing but a curse.

It was hard to forget. That the inhibitor was out. That there was nothing stopping her anymore. At any given point she could just quake the world apart, whether she wanted to or not. A heart-wrenching reality that Daisy couldn’t seem to escape no matter how hard she tried.

The mark on her neck provided a constant reminder. Even sleeping didn’t help, her dreams were poisoned and soon became nightmares of her destroying the planet, being the reason everyone she loves dies. 

She was trapped.

Inside her mind. A torture chamber designed specifically for her own torment. Picking out her biggest fear. And the worst, most disgusting part of all? Her darkest fear was just waiting, patiently to become a reality. 

And having to look at Fitz made her feel even worse, if that was even possible. Because every time she looked at him she was back on the table. Restrained. Fitz’s body looming over her, scalpel in his hand. No way of stopping him. No way of escaping. Completely and utterly out of control. Powerless. 

But luckily for her the end of the world came, and yet they survived. They had managed to do the unimaginable. They changed the future, Daisy didn’t destroy Earth. And for some reason that overbearing worry in the pit of her stomach stayed, making its own home there. Because it didn’t change the fact that she still had the power to wipe out the entire planet. 

All they could have done is delayed the inevitable. It could just happen at a different time on a different day. 

She then found out that Fitz had died. Daisy was shocked, that's for sure, and surprisingly very hurt. Although they weren’t on good terms before he died, in fact the literal site of him made her sick to her stomach, bile forming in her throat. He was also once one of her best friends, someone who had been there for her when no one else had, someone who had saved her life on countless occasions.

His death only made her feel guiltier that she had previously. Because during the aftermath of her inhibitor being ripped out of her she wanted Fitz to feel the same pain as her. And then he did, in a way, he died.

Leaving Daisy feeling as if she wished his death upon himself. She didn’t though. But that didn’t change anything because she still had dark thoughts that scared even herself.

Not to mention she had to witness how heartbroken Jemma was. It hurt Daisy to see one of her best friends hurting that much and there was no way to help her. Daisy couldn’t bring Fitz back. And for some reason she hated herself for that.

As if there wasn’t enough pain to begin with, as if she hadn’t already been through enough hurt to last a lifetime she had to go through losing the person she cared and loved about most. Coulson.

The only person who always believed in her and never gave up. He always saw her potential and never gave up on her. No matter if she had given up on herself. Fuck Biology, to Daisy, Coulson would always be her father. 

It was as if the world was screwing her over, once again. She may have not destroyed the world but the most important person in her life had to die. Daisy considered it some sick form of karma or irony, due to the fact that her wiping out the human race and Coulson dying were most definitely the worst things that could ever happen to her. 

Her entire life she had always been given the short straw, emotional connections were something that was hard to come by. That was, until Daisy met Coulson. 

He gave her something no one else had ever been able to do. He gave her a family.

And she would protect that family forever.


End file.
